Special Report: Menace in America’s Schools

Every week, millions of American parents send their children off to school unaware of the insidious danger lying in wait. Lurking Monday through Friday, this menace can even survive the weekend without expiring!


The name of this threat: Chocolate Milk. And America’s school cafeterias are stocked full of it. Sure – chocolate milk seems innocuous enough but, as my investigation discovered, under the surface lies a sinister web of special interests and foreign intrigue that every American should know!

I began my research at the local grocery store. This was a good idea because I immediately hit pay dirt at the dairy case:

That’s right. The Swiss! Switzerland is famous for secretive banking, cheese, chocolate, and neutrality. America’s school children aren’t even getting American-styled patriotic milk, but Swiss-styled neutral milk! A milk so neutral it won’t even curdle for Nazis!! It is their chocolate, however, that is of primary interest, so I continued my research in the candy aisle. Finding an assortment of Swiss chocolate, I read and compared the ingredients. The common factors in all the various brands were cocoa and sugar.

This was an important clue because cocoa isn’t native to Switzerland! It originated in South America, famous for its cartels, addictive crops, and harboring fugitive Nazis! The Cocoa Cartel is joined at the hip to sugar – it’s nothing without it. Meanwhile, sugar enjoys the lavish lifestyle cocoa’s growth rate provides. It’s a cartel marriage made in heaven, and from this point on are considered one and the same in this report. Like other addictive South American crops, cocoa has spread to Africa and Asia, luring poor farmers into the cartel. It’s no wonder the cocoa cartel would be doing business with the Swiss, as cartels need the money laundering services the Swiss provide. Chocolate provides a legitimate front to conceal more nefarious revenue!

But – how are they getting into America?!!

I walked down three aisles to the baking needs section to further investigate cocoa. What I found was devastating. An entire American town so devoted to the cartel their name is synonymous with chocolate:

Another cocoa with an Italian name was from California! The cocoa cartel’s tentacles reached deeper into America than I had originally feared, but the shocking discoveries didn’t end there. Another cocoa, Nestle, is Swiss!!!

The only missing component was a steady supply of milk. Google results showed America’s Dairyland is Wisconsin – famous for cheese, a football team, and Red Forman. The problem was, Wisconsin can’t be researched at the grocery store. Further investigation required the most special-est of equipment: a car.

The reputation that precedes Wisconsin cannot prepare one for the shocking reality. These people not only wear cheese on their head, they sell it in shops located every 10 to 20 miles on any road. Stopping in one of these shops revealed they indeed sold cheese in such quantities that the entire shop was nothing more than coolers stocked full of a number of varieties:

But that wasn’t all. I also discovered that these shops even sell Swiss cheese!! That’s right – the Swiss are having their cheese made in Wisconsin! Neutral cheese! Here!! Thus the trifecta is complete. The cocoa cartels are getting Wisconsin cheese in Swiss bank vaults leaving America’s children stuck with chocolate milk!!1

Now – this sort of conspiracy needs support in the form of protection and propaganda, and chocolate milk has both in spades. In Washington DC, famous for its corruption, the chocolate milk industry has inside connections at the USDA, the FDA and, because of the Swiss, even the State Department! It’s impossible to say with any accuracy how many industry and cartel moles have penetrated these agencies, but the end result is an industry capable of generating the most mind warping propaganda machine since clear cola.

Protected from Congress (famous for its sleaze) by large campaign contributions, the chocolate milk industry is allowed to freely carry on with its predatory advertising agenda without scrutiny. Targeting children, the industry uses cartoons to lure our most vulnerable Americans into a life of servitude to the cartel! No longer satisfied with seducing customers in their youth, the chocolate milk industry has now procured a new weapon: scientists. Note the tentacle:

Obviously funded by the cartel, these scientists produce studies claiming chocolate milk is good for you and preferable to sports drinks. But don’t they know sugar is bad for you?! You would think, being scientists, that they would know! This brazen attempt to attract athletes and other health-conscious adults is designed to normalize the behavior of chocolate milk drinking, thus increasing the odds that children will view such behavior and imitate it! The cocoa cartel clearly intends chocolate milk to be a gateway product leading to additional chocolate consumption!

As Americans, we don’t have to suffer the abuses of predatory industries. The Constitution says we have the right to petition! Joining together, we can take a stand against cartels and neutrality. Joining together, we can tell the cocoa cartel that while they can have the free market, we draw the line at the bureaucratic school district market! Call your member of Congress today. Please, do it for the children.

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8 Responses to Special Report: Menace in America’s Schools

  1. FW says:

    Good piece & funny!

  2. 71LesPaul says:

    Great work exposing the sinister global cocoa cabal. And here I thought “Cheesy Noodle Bake” was the most dangerous substance in the school cafeteria. I hope you will write Smore on this subject soon.

  3. 71LesPaul says:

    I have the secret recipe for Cheesy Noodle Bake but Geneva gonna get it from me.

  4. 71LesPaul says:

    I think a better question is When did Hostess change the name of those round chocolate snacks from “King Don” to Ding Dong? My kid thought I was crazy when I called it a King Don the other day. Had to look it up on the Al Gore Highway to prove to her I wasn’t a kook..

  5. vxbush says:

    Nobody touches my chocolate. Nobody.

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